Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotional experiences, unstable relationships, impulsivity, and a profound fear of abandonment. For those who have a friend with BPD, it can be both a rewarding and challenging experience. True friendship means showing up in a way that is compassionate, consistent, and educated.
Being a good friend to someone with BPD requires more than just good intentions—it demands emotional intelligence, patience, empathy, and the ability to establish and respect boundaries. This article explores how to build and maintain a healthy friendship with someone living with BPD, offering insight, strategies, and encouragement for navigating the journey together.
Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder
Before learning how to support someone with BPD, it’s essential to understand what they are experiencing. BPD is often misunderstood and stigmatized, but at its core, it’s a disorder of emotional regulation and interpersonal sensitivity.
Key Features of BPD:
Emotional Instability: Individuals often experience intense emotions that can change rapidly.
Fear of Abandonment: Even small perceived signs of rejection can trigger intense reactions.
Unstable Relationships: People with BPD may idealize someone one moment and devalue them the next.
Impulsive Behavior: This might include risky spending, substance use, or other dangerous actions.
Distorted Self-Image: Fluctuating self-perception and self-worth.
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness: A sense of internal void that is difficult to fill.
Dissociation or Paranoia Under Stress: Losing touch with reality in extreme emotional situations.
Understanding these traits helps develop empathy and set realistic expectations in your friendship.
1. Educate Yourself Thoroughly
One of the most powerful ways to support a friend with BPD is through education. Read articles, watch videos, and listen to personal accounts from individuals with BPD. Understanding the condition reduces frustration and judgment and increases compassion.
Recommended Resources:
- Books like “I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me” by Jerold J. Kreisman
- Mental health websites like the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
- Online communities (e.g., Reddit, BPD forums)
Becoming informed not only helps you grasp their behaviors but also demonstrates that you care enough to learn.
2. Offer Consistency and Stability
People with BPD often experience the world as chaotic and unpredictable. One of the best gifts you can give as a friend is consistency.
How to Provide Consistency:
- Keep your word: If you say you’ll call or meet up, follow through.
- Be predictable: Avoid sudden changes in behavior or mood.
- Communicate clearly: Be transparent about your availability and intentions.
This reliability builds trust and helps ground your friend in a more secure emotional environment.
3. Validate Their Feelings (Without Reinforcing Harmful Behavior)
Validation is about recognizing that your friend’s emotions are real and important, even if you don’t fully understand them. It’s different from agreeing with everything they say or do.
What Validation Looks Like:
- “I can see this is really painful for you.”
- “Your feelings make sense, given what you’ve been through.”
- “I may not fully understand, but I’m here with you.”
However, avoid validating self-destructive behavior. For example, you can acknowledge their pain without endorsing actions like self-harm.
4. Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries
While it’s important to be supportive, it’s equally crucial to protect your own mental health. BPD can sometimes lead to intense dependency, so boundaries keep the friendship balanced.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries:
- “I care about you, but I can’t answer calls after 10 p.m.”
- “I want to support you, but I’m not a therapist.”
- “Let’s find time to talk tomorrow instead of right now—I’m overwhelmed.”
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. In fact, consistent boundaries make relationships safer and more sustainable.
5. Don’t Take Things Personally
Individuals with BPD might say hurtful things in moments of emotional overwhelm. They might accuse, withdraw, or idealize and then devalue you. These reactions are more about their internal struggle than about you.
Tips for Not Taking It Personally:
- Remind yourself: “This is the illness speaking, not the person.”
- Take breaks when needed without cutting off the friendship.
- Practice self-care and seek your own support system.
Emotional outbursts are a symptom—not a character flaw. Your friend isn’t trying to manipulate you; they’re fighting a deep battle with their own feelings.
6. Encourage Professional Support
While your friendship can be a powerful anchor, your friend needs professional support to manage BPD effectively. Therapy, especially Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is one of the most effective treatments for BPD.
How to Encourage Help:
- Share resources: “I read about DBT—have you heard of it?”
- Offer support: “I can help you look for a therapist if you want.”
- Avoid pressure: Don’t force the idea—just gently suggest.
Remember, you’re a friend, not a therapist. Helping them get professional care is one of the most meaningful things you can do.
7. Be Patient—Progress Is Not Linear
Friendships with people who have BPD can be intense and full of ups and downs. Progress is often not a straight line—it may involve setbacks, relapses, and breakthroughs.
Ways to Practice Patience:
- Keep a long-term perspective.
- Avoid reacting to every crisis with urgency.
- Celebrate small victories (like them reaching out or managing a tough emotion).
Patience fosters emotional safety, showing your friend that they can depend on you through their healing journey.
8. Encourage Independence and Empowerment
People with BPD often struggle with codependency or emotional reliance. While it may feel good to be needed, it’s healthier to encourage their autonomy.
Empowering Statements:
- “You handled that situation really well.”
- “What do you think the next step should be?”
- “I believe in your ability to cope with this.”
Support should empower, not enable. Helping them build self-trust and resilience is a greater gift than constantly stepping in to fix things.
9. Take Care of Yourself Too
Being a good friend to someone with BPD can be emotionally demanding. You must prioritize your own well-being to continue showing up authentically and compassionately.
Self-Care Ideas:
- Journaling or therapy to process your emotions
- Taking time for hobbies and activities that recharge you
- Talking to others who understand BPD relationships
When you’re emotionally healthy, you become a stronger support system for your friend. Burnout doesn’t help either of you.
10. Know When to Step Back
In some cases, the relationship might become toxic, especially if boundaries are chronically violated. Knowing when to take a break—or even end the friendship—is not a betrayal but a form of self-preservation.
Signs You May Need Space:
- Constant emotional exhaustion
- Manipulative or abusive behaviors
- Feeling unsafe or unable to express your needs
It’s okay to love someone and still recognize that the relationship isn’t sustainable in its current form.
11. Celebrate the Positive Aspects of the Friendship
Friendships with people who have BPD aren’t all about crisis management. Many individuals with BPD are deeply empathetic, creative, intuitive, and passionate. They value deep connection and are fiercely loyal once they trust you.
Take time to celebrate the joy, the laughter, the mutual growth, and the strength of the bond you’re building.
12. Keep the Dialogue Open
Transparency and honest communication form the foundation of any strong friendship. Let your friend know when something is bothering you, and invite them to share their needs too.
Open-Ended Conversation Starters:
- “How can I be a better friend to you right now?”
- “What’s something I said that hurt you?”
- “Are you okay with how our friendship is going?”
This builds mutual respect and ensures the friendship evolves in a healthy direction.
Conclusion
Being a good friend to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is not about fixing them—it’s about standing by them with empathy, boundaries, and genuine care. It involves balancing emotional support with self-respect and learning the language of validation without losing yourself in their struggles.
With patience, understanding, and communication, friendships with people who have BPD can be among the most profound and transformative relationships in your life. They remind us of the power of human connection, the value of mental health awareness, and the beauty of unconditional support.
By educating yourself, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing compassion, you’re not just being a good friend—you’re becoming a vital part of someone’s healing journey.
